No posting this week, what gives?
Dear Mr. Yurside,
Wit and wisdom are currently in short supply as I am under the weather. Rather than completely throwing in the towel this week, I had a sudden inspiration. While channel surfing, I happened across Taken (2008), a hugely popular revenge fantasy co-written by my personal kryptonite Luc Besson. The sequel is currently in production and slated for a 2012 release. Haven’t seen the original, don’t remember it, or confusing it with Unknown? Not to worry, here’s the whole film in under three minutes.
After the film premiered, I posted a one-page review in the form of a recipe on Facebook. I offer it here today in an effort not to break my blogging streak. Cheating? Probably. Do I care? Not so much.
Ahh . . . nothing like an ice-cold dish of revenge fantasy on a Friday night to kick off the weekend. Here’s a familiar recipe that is sure to please discerning palates.
Don’t Lie to Daddy Revenge Fantasy (Modified Traditional)
1 part Martin Riggs (If using Riggs from LW1, be sure to de-mullet first, starting with the party in the back, see instructions below**)
2 parts Léon (If having difficulty locating a child-like Italian hit man played by a French, Italian, Spanish-speaking, Moroccan-born actor whose parents fled Spain to escape Franco, you can substitute a John McClain from either DH or LFoDH, but be sure to add a pinch of Jason Bourne to enhance the European flavor)
1 bushel of Nationalism
36 oz. of duty
Mix and set aside.
1/3 c. nagging ex-wife
1 c. irresponsible mothering
splash of incompetent new husband (preferably one who is wealthy and makes hero feel inadequate)
2 c. lying, ungrateful daughter (must be pure or the hero will lack proper motivation)
Add hero to marinade and let stew 12 years over low heat.
While hero simmers combine:
3/4 c. virgin/whore dichotomy
Large bag of Eastern-block criminals divided evenly
Pinch of anti-French sentiment (eyeball this, no need to measure exactly)
Dash of quippy humor just prior to execution of criminals
100 lbs. of ultra-violence (various kinds, omit choreography or stylization a la John Woo: see Hard Boiled)
To the above add generous amounts of chases, lascivious Middle Eastern men, drugs, and human trafficking.
Fold in hero with marinade to the above mixture and bake 93 minutes or until desired outcome achieved. Serve cold.
*Prepare the hero in advance to allow enough time for wounded emotional state to become pronounced.
** Secure party in the back with rubber band as close to the head as possible before sheering.