So here’s a rundown of what I learned from this week’s film, Red Dawn:

[It's been awhile, but nothing has changed. Remember please, this is a no spoiler alert zone. Proceed at your own risk.]

1.) China, North Korea, and Russia are all interchangeable red threats, and we are no longer worried about Cuba. Whew!

2.) Chris Hemsworth, who has enormous arms and a fairly good American accent, needs to stay away from cabins in the woods because I kept thinking of him in The Cabin in the Woods. Also, he’s a good stand-in for Patrick Swayze (MHRIP), though I kept waiting for Hemsworth to bust out some Thor-like “Nays!” and “Nies!” Let’s compare the two:

3.) If you take a gun away from someone who almost shoots you in the head, he will steal your food and become a collaborator. It’s bound to happen. So shoot him while you can or at the very least flip him the bird before you blow him up.

4.) The brown guy dies first, then the black guy and the brown girl, then the black guy, though we don’t have to watch him die. [And ‘scuse me were Robert and Darryl a thang? If so, then I will have to revise this statement to factor in sexuality.] POC may not be outfitted in red jumpsuits or new deck crew members that beam down to hostile alien planets, but they are no less vulnerable.

5.) One white girl Decepticon is worth more than one brown guy and the loss of one white guy is equal to the deaths of five people of color. It’s simple math really. [Note: In a post-US collapse, invasion scenario, the last thing you want to be is a POC cause there’s a bull’s-eye on your back, but don’t worry about the revolutionary uprising: white folk got this.]

6.) Josh Hutcherson still can’t act but his follicles can hold almost any color.

7.) Connor Cruise proves that nepotism is alive and well in Hollywood. BTW he has no idea how to run with a gun, and it is clear he has never actually fired a gun, both of which really bugged me. It’s like pretending to drink coffee out of an empty cup. Liquid has weight! Guns have to be steadied!

8.) Teenagers are smarter than North Korean soldiers, who were just as dumb as Soviet soldiers in the original. WOLVERINES!

9.) It’s not racist to make all bad Asians interchangeable as long as you have one Asian good guy, which shows that they are not all the same. Duh. This is straight out of Yellow Peril For Dummies: Revised and Expanded Edition.

10.) The “d” is silent in Django.

Did you really just talk about Mexico in the 80s as “undiscovered”? Don’t go all Columbus-John-Dunbar-Man-Called-Horse on me Señor Affleck. I am not blinded by your Cuban-inflected Spanish. Just because you bummed around Mexico, rented hammocks for a dollar, and slept on the playa does not make you down. It makes you a tourist. That is all.

Oh, and by the way, Perks of Being a Wallflower was so not what I needed it to be.

I saw the Hobbitses and it made me think back to the good ole’ days when I would blog with regularity and gusto. For the record, (insert random excuse here), and I HAVE kept to my weekly movie schedule and have yet to miss a week. You should read the posts I have written in my head. They are witty, pithy, pure elitistacademic gold, as if I would produce anything less.

Okay, that’s all the time I have because there are 218 messages in my email box. [I can produce evidence, if necessary.] Every one of them is probably super important and will produce 10 more correspondencezes. [That is the plural plural of correspondence for all you word nerds.]

So here are my Hobbit friends that I cannot wait to see in December.

I miss all of you.

Hugz.

Two fellow elitistacademics accompanied me to this poignant political gambol. Our expectations were high, and we were NOT disappointed. SUR was exactly what we needed it to be: full of street posturing, romantic poverty, and some sweet dance moves. In addition to raising many important questions, it also imparted important life lessons, some of which I have included below.

1.) Lowrider surfing is like a fusion of surfing and bull riding for urban mobs. It should be considered an Olympic sport.

2.) EA #1: “Wait, wasn’t her hair straight just a second ago?”

Yes, yes it was, but now it’s not. For some inexplicable reason, Emily’s hair keeps going from straight to super wave and then back again. This film either had the worst (and you know I mean BEST) continuity person or we were on the receiving end of some follicle ethics™: good girls have straight hair; acting bad makes a good girl’s hair curly.

3.) Being filthy rich and living in luxury hotels sucks, ask Emily (Kathryn McCormick). I mean it TOTALLY sucks. It’s way worse than being poor. [See #4]

4.) Poor people have richer emotional lives cause they aren’t weighed down with stuff like food and homes.

5.) Racial euphoria™ is the answer.  What’s the question?  How do we alleviate anxiety about race? All colors and creeds come together for some primitive grooves or good ole’ pop and lock. And what is racial euphoria™, you ask?

This for one [it really gets going at the 1:40 mark]:

It’s the frenzy that results when all color of people [different from people of color] come together to emphasize their sameness through dance. It usually leads to sex or selling out. [See #10].

6.) Sean (Ryan Guzman) has a limited supply of shirts, which sometimes causes him to go without. [Note: Guzman is Mexican American and has stated that he plays the character as “Latin.” I have no idea what that means because he is not legible as such, which is both a good and bad thing. Good because no accent, no BIG family, etc. Bad because the film does not take the opportunity to explore the differences between Mexican Americans and other Latin@s in South Florida, where Sean would have been on the margins of the margins, shirtless.]

7.) Be calm, dance on. Always wear your dance pants underneath dresses, formal wear. [I have mine on right now, dance pants not formal wear. Note: Emily has hers on at the dedication ceremony at the end, and thank goodness she does because it allows her to perform her audition number that would have gotten her into an elite dance school if it wasn’t for that pesky Mob!] Be ready to dance at all times. Constant vigilance.

8.) EA #2: “This movie has the same plot as The Muppets.”

It does, except without the maniacal laughs or the puppets, which is really too bad.

9.) You know what this movie needs? Less faux class struggle and more Moose.

What’up MOOSE!?!  Where were you for the first 7/8ths of the movie? Yes, when Moose (Adam G. Sevani) appears, it’s like a disco ball in a dark room, little squares of bright shiny, shiny. If you don’t know who Moose is, you can skip to #10. In case you’re interested, he’s really the heart of this franchise after Tatum abandoned it. [Yes, I said, “abandon.” For more Moose spectacular edgy confection, see Step Up 2: The Streets; and Step Up: 3D].

10.) EA #3:  “One of the main messages of this film, ‘Squash the local in favor of the global.’ You know cause big corporations like Nike don’t displace people, create joblessness, or change the environment.”

Lemme’ break it down. Gentrification is bad, DOWN WITH THE MAN! The disaffected masses dance in protest. ¡Occupy Capezio! But, what The Mob really wants is fame and recognition, so signing with Nike is a natural extension of their “protest art.” Thank goodness Dances with Mobs [aka Emily] is there to teach her working class street brethren about “doing something that matters” because without her leading the revolution, Sean, Eddy, Jason, Penelope and the rest of the crew would be nothing more than narcissistic homeless street dancers engaging in guerilla art. Phew, thanks Emily!

Setting my impossible standards aside, I know a young filmmaker who has seen the film three times and is a huge fan. He has, once again, generously agreed to share his thoughts with us on his second favorite film of summer 2012.

So you’ve now see Brave three times, right?

Uh, hmmmmm. It’s action and funniness, but I still haven’t found out if there’s a secret ending. I did see that there was a Will O’ the Wisps special thanks after the credits and I think that’s pretty cool.

Definitely.  And by secret ending, you mean extra scenes like the double secret endings at the end of The Avengers.

Yes, the shawarma scene, so funny. [Laughter] They were just sitting there too tired to eat after everything in the city had been blown up, and they had powned Loki and his army.

Powned?

“Power” and “owned.” Powned.

Your word?

My word. That scene where Hulk grabs Loki by the ankles . . . now THAT is a powning.

Got it. Can you talk about why you were so excited to see Brave?

It was a Disney movie with a female hero that didn’t have a Prince Charming backing her up. It was just her. She looked like a good fighter, tough, would never give up. Amazing bow skills that had been honed over the years.

Really, honed, huh?

Yea, you know developed, practiced?

Right.

I was also excited because it looked like an action movie. It seemed like it was going to be funny and enjoyable. I mean, I saw the teasers over and over, so I knew some parts, but as more extended previews were released, I got to know the story, and I got more excited.

Enjoyable how?

Action till the end. Lots of intense surprising parts, and lots of silliness, of course.

Of course.

Can we talk about my favorite scene now?

Absolutely.

My favorite scene is the first battle with Mor’du. It was kinda sad that King Fergus lost his leg, but until Mor’du showed up it was a happy scene. I liked the music, too. The score was very good. It made you feel absolutely filled in. It was very beautiful music.

Can you explain “filled in”?

I mean it gave audiences a clear sense of the feelings we were supposed to have: suspense, happiness, or worry. But it wasn’t too strong. Just there in the background, which is good.

So not overpowering or intrusive?

What do you mean?

It enhances the story without getting in the way of it.

That’s right. I’d say it compliments the story without getting in front of it.

Wow, I think you said that much better than I explained it.

Yea, me too.

Alrighty then, let’s talk about the humor.

The three funniest parts were 1.) when everyone had naked buttockses 2.) when one of the triplets fell down with a chicken on his head 3.) and when the triplet went down the castle helper’s shirt. My favorite action scene was the battle with all the clans with all the slapping, biting, smashing, yelling, throwing, sending lamps crashing. It was total chaos and silliness.

Serious question, now. Do you think Merida is a typical Disney princess?

Nope.

Explain, please.

A few reasons are: she kicks a lot of butt; there is no prince trying to save her, blah, blah, blah, like I mentioned; and it shows her journey so she is the one making the action happen rather than waiting around for some singing prince.

So what do you think is the message of the film?

Speak up. Be heard. Tell people what you want but don’t act irrationally because there will be serious consequences. Just because you don’t get what you want right away, don’t go to a witch for a spell or whatever. Make people understand your point of view. It’s a message for everyone, not just boys or girls.

Last question. What about that ending?

I think she gets to choose her partner rather than some clansman “winning” her, which is ridiculous. That’s like treating women like they’re carnival toys, which clearly they are NOT.

Nicely said. Anything else?

I want to say that I think it had a PG rating because of the crude but funny humor, naked buttockses, and intense scenes of violence.

That’s helpful. Why do you think you are so good at talking about film?

I want to be a filmmaker. I’ve made my own films, directed, done some camera work, special effects. I’ve written screenplays. I watch a lot of films. I read. I make up my own stories. I’ve helped score my films. You know stuff like that . . . when I was younger, I mostly directed, probably around 65 short films.

That’s pretty impressive. How old are you?

Nine and half.

Aren’t you a little young to have such extensive film experience?

Yes, yes I am.

I appreciate that P&F reference. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and knowledge.

You are W-E-L-C-O-M-E.

1.  If one fart joke is funny, four or five more are even funnier.

2.  Child neglect is hilarious.

3.  Poverty and pedophilia are punchlines.

4.  Homophobia is not homophobia if a gay couple is included in the story.

5.  Women are stupid and self-loathing, which is evidenced by their longing for pot-smoking man-children or horny bears they can save.

6.  Jews are not as bad as Mexicans.

7.  Norah Jones has no standards, and Tom Skerritt is in a bad way.

8.  Tiffany videos and 80s movies, particularly Flash Gordon, Airplane, and Top Gun, messed people up. To participate in a running gag throughout the film, this will get you up to speed in a little over six minutes:

9.  A bongalicious, oversexed, foul-mouthed teddy bear is a riot.

10. Cleaning up after a hooker has taken a dump on the floor is also good for a laugh.

Clearly, I am not the target audience for this film. Blah, blah, blah cinematic achievement in a comedy, Peter Pan syndrome, and Aspartame sweetness. BAH! I have never longed for the death of a protagonist as much as I longed for the damn bear’s death. Ted did succeed in bringing out my fogeyism, and all I have left to say is, “STAY OFF MY LAWN!”

Let me back up. I realize that I’ve skipped ahead two films. But I’ve been sick, and I thought Magic Mike would provide some lighthearted fun, and, you know, Channing Tatum dancing in various states of undress. He’s a really good dancer, which I think Step Up proved. My mom, who loves Matthew McConaughey, accompanied me. [Note: maybe don't take your mom, but if you do, be prepared to explain certain "devices" and whatnot.] If you and your friends decide to have a night out at Magic Mike just a heads up [ahem], do not expect to see the film offered in this trailer:

The film is heavier than the rollicking good time many people are paying to see.

When we arrived, mom and I encountered a rather long line for a show in the middle of the afternoon. As we stood behind the velvet rope, I couldn’t help but take note of the metamoment: the parallels between the women standing in line outside Xquisite, as I had seen in a preview, and all of us standing in line waiting to get into a film about women standing in line to look at male strippers. Voyeurism twice removed, or perhaps magnified x2.

[What appears to be a digression but is actually a backstory related to this post.] I knew a male stripper once. He was nice. His stage persona “Mr. Rock-n-Roll” was a hairband member; the look included a sky-high coif buttressed with Stiff Stuff [sucio, it's a hairspray], layers of zebra striped bandanas wrapped around the ankles of his knee-high white leather boots hidden underneath chaps that accentuated a silver metallic g-string. My friend and I met him one night at a heavy metal bar [it was a long time ago]. After buying us drinks with a stack of ones, my friend jokingly asked, “Are you a stripper or something?” To which he replied, “Well, yeah.”

After his friend ditched him to go home with some girl, we drove Darryl, a.k.a. Mr Rock-n-Roll, back to his car, which was parked at the strip club where he worked. As a thank you for being good samaritans, he invited us to his show the following night, though he advised us to sit at the back bar and not down front at a table. “The banks are seated closest to the stage,” he offered wryly. “Plus there’s a twenty dollar drink minimum for tables in the first three rows.” We were told to give our names to the doorman. He would take us to the back bar, where we could watch the dancers and drink for free. The view from the cheap seats was something I’ll never forget. Women standing at the foot of the stage waving money fans in the air [these were the "banks"]; the money moving from hand to crotch; and, yes, the elephant trunk g-string all made an impression, but not as much as the unbridled unapologetic open lusting on the part of the women. Even though I was too young to really understand or put into words what I was seeing, I found the ownership of female sexual desire shocking.

I saw that same look today in the crowd of women (and a few men) waiting in line to see Magic Mike. The age range of the people queued up was impressive, from eighteen to eighty-five. I loved the bus-load of senior women who were loud and nervous with anticipation. The girls with the Alex Pettyfer screensavers on their SmartPhones. The indulgent partners, one seemingly reluctant, the other giddy. Groups of women instantly made connections, sharing stories and confessions like old friends.

Medical Assistant: “I took ten-minute lunches starting last Thursday so I could take off early from work to see the movie before I have to pick up my kids at 5:30.”

Mom #1: “My husband told me not to tell him if I saw the movie.”

Mom #2: “Oh, [my husband] doesn’t care; he just didn’t want to come with me. I told him ‘that’s fine. I’ll take myself.’” [Laughter.]

Young person #1: “Why don’t they make more films like this for women?”

Young person #2: “You mean movies about male strippers or with Channing Tatum.”

Young person #1: “BOTH!”

Guy #1: “We are like the only dudes in line.”

Guy #2: “Tell me again, why we are seeing this?”

Guy #1: “Because you know our girlfriends are going to ask us to do some Magic Mike sh*t, and we need to know what that means.”

Guy #2: ” . . . .”

When they opened the theater doors to let us file in, a woman towards the front of the line dropped her box of candy and packaged pretzel. As she balanced her snack tray, purse, and sweater, all while trying to collect the items from the floor, the throng parted and flowed around her re-pooling on the other side. No one stopped to help her. Even her movie companion fled the scene in order to “save good seats.” E tu amis? So much for solidarity.

Inside the theater the audience was restless. There were outbursts of laughter. There were a few spontaneous “Whoop Whoops” and even a “Holla!” especially following Dallas’ explanation of the “rules.” And early on when Tatum’s naked butt walked across the screen, there was an audible gasp. It was at that point the elitistacadmeic knew something wasn’t quite right with this film. It felt like we were being bribed with nudity up front, which, of course, we were.

This movie is not funtastic. We do not, despite Rihanna’s promises in the preview, “find love in a hopeless place.” [We don't even get the song.] Magic Mike is not even transgressive. It is, in fact, the most conventional of stories, a kind of Coyote Ugly meets All About Eve with a pinch of an Imitation of Life: good guy with a heart of gold lends a hand to young “down and out” who has that “it” spark; student screws over teacher; breakfast food saves the day. Moviegoers looking for a party won’t find one in MM.

The film is oddly paced. At times, it looks grainy, washed out, in sepia; there’s too much light, not enough; it feels vérité; it’s as sleek as a music video, and then you realize what Soderbergh is doing. The fantasy is what’s vivid and alive; the “real” world, raw and life draining. Channing Tatum ferries audiences between worlds with soulful sincerity. He is the glue that holds the film together. [Cody Horn is godawful and scowls throughout. Adam Rodriguez looks like he's dancing on glass. Gabriel Iglesias is cast against type as a DJ wannabe drug dealer.]

Despite all the sexual swagger of MM, I was disappointed by its rather conservative message, albeit one nestled in velcro pants and thongs. It seemingly offers women the space to claim and act on their own desire, but men like Dallas manufacture and dictate the terms of that desire and, like Soderbergh, profit from doing so. What the film affirms, instead, is the desire to desire [see: Mary Ann Doane] because female sexual longing is confounded by the very means offered as an avenue for fulfillment: fantasy, “giving” women, for a price, simulations of what their husbands and boyfriends aren’t giving them at home, thus compounding their sexual frustration. In the end, the movie performs a moral and sexual slight of hand; the fantasy world we were invited into (and arguably the one most audiences paid to see) is corrupted, debauched, and abandoned in favor of a good morally chaste woman and conventional monogamy. When faced with this realization, it occurred to me that the “banks” aren’t always confined to the first three rows.

What was I doing waxing nostalgic, you say? Well, I actually took a vacation with pictures and maps and touristy destinations, which I could share with you, but this is not that kind of blog—you know with super stylized artistic renderings of familiar landmarks made fresh and new through Dutch angles, low light, and Instagram. This is a point, shoot, click, and copy kind of site, one overseen by a devotee of the popular. Also, the vacay was done EA style, which means piggybacking on a work trip, the thinking being, “Hey, I’m in that part of the country for a conference, why not stay and see the sights?” Apparently, I was not alone in this thought, for as I learned a good number of other EAs, and non-EAs, were doing the exact same thing, some of us traveling to nerdy and popular locales for a bit of R&LR (research and lecture reconnaissance).  Here are some highlights from my New England adventure:

1.) Boston, MA

Points of popular or scholary note: South Station, setting for scenes in The Thomas Crowne Affair (1968), The Out of Towners (1970), and The Departed (2006), also the place where I missed the train to New Haven despite being an hour early. FYI, posted schedule on message board is NOT for the Amtrak commuter. Locals just know, which is why I walked out to the platform when my train was leaving. EA travel fail.

Also of note: Boston Massacre site is marked with a sign on a sidewalk. If you are not looking, you might miss it. Kids playing “dead” on the sidewalk helped mark the locale. Disturbing. FYI super famous school in vicinity if you are into smarts and crimson.

2.) New Haven, CT

Points of popular or scholarly note: Side of the road. A state highway officer looked like Jeremy Renner. Said officer with menthol blue eyes saw us pulled over looking at a map [okay flipping it around, while trying to hold it at arm's length in order to actually read it]. He stopped to see if we needed directions. It was unbelievably kind and freaky at the same time because we didn’t know if we were getting a ticket or Jem-ed.

Oh, and there’s also a famous school there with some smartypantses and ivy.

3.) New York, NY

Points of popular or scholarly note: Everything. While on the boat to Liberty Island, I overheard a Croatian student comment: “Every place in America is like being in a movie.” Take a minute to turn that over in your noggin’. However, in New York, I understood her point exactly. Although I had been to NYC before, only briefly, everything about it this time seemed familiar, like walking on or through movie sets, except they were spread out over the entire city. So much to take in from the bicycle taxi driver singing along to “Empire State of Mind” in Central Park to the throngs moving in and out of everywhere in Times Square. I was only slightly disappointed by the Statue of Liberty gift shop, which was nothing like it’s depicted on Fringe: it’s much bigger with way more stuff than the minimalist rendering on the best show on commercial television. [Yes, I said it.]

One of my favorite moments included looking out over the city from the top of the Empire State Building. [Note: if ever visiting said location, I strongly recommend paying for the "Express Pass." Holding one means, no lines for you. If you are a regular schmo/a like me, it's probably one of the only times you will be treated like a VIP. Just hold up that pass, and watch the people you bypass become total grumpbutts.] The best for me, though, was Phantom, the show, which still has the power to wow, the backstage tour, and unexpectedly meeting the Phantom, Hugh Panaro (what a sweetheart).

4.) Bangor, ME

Points of popular or scholarly note: The whole town. It’s Stephen King country, ya’ll, and what do you do in Stephen King country? Take the Stephen King Tour, what else? The tour, which will be reviewed in a separate post, was terrific, great fun for a super fan and anyone who’s ever heard of the Master of Horror, and such a gorgeous way to see Maine. One of the best parts [and this is a tough call because there are so many cool things to see] was standing outside the standpipe from It.

5.) Salem, MA

Points of popular or scholarly note: Nathaniel Hawthorne’s home, the Custom House, and the House of the Seven Gables, a literary trifecta, a biblio-nerdecta, if you please. What I remember most about Hawthorne was that he and his wife used to pretend not to be home when Melville would stop by because he had a tendency to overstay his welcome. Can you imagine, Nathaniel and Sophia crouching down trying not to throw a shadow across a curtain or pane, and Melville knocking away? As remarkable as it was staring out the window of the office where Hawthorne sat bored to death as a customs officer dreaming of his life as a writer or counting the gables on a dwelling [there are seven, though they had to be restored], neither compared to the joy of acquiring and donning my scarlet letter shirt with the big script “A” on the front. ¡Escandaloso!

Alas, it was all over too quickly, and what was only last week, already feels like ages ago. Such is the glamorous and glorious life of the EA. Coming soon to a classroom near you. ¡Saludos!

The whole thing was difficult to watch, an experience made all the more so because my young movie companion LOVED it.

The most positive things I can say about this film is that penguins were penguiny (or is it penguin-ey?) and the colors were vivid. Not much to work with, so I thought I’d interview the nine-year-old seated next to me to get his impressions and insights.

“¡CHIMICHANGA! These pillows are filled with baby birds!!”

Why were you looking forward to this film?

I think it was because I was watching a YouTube video and saw a commercial with the “Afro circus” scene and cracked up. I thought, “I really want to see this; it looks really funny.” The way he’s dressed and the fact that he points at his butt. It’s like he’s trying to make me laugh, and it definitely worked.

What did you like about the film?

It was very funny. It was entertaining. It was interesting, intense. It had everything. Another funny scene was when the King Lemur starts dancing when they are trying to get the Madagascar animals out of the casino. He was dancing so very silly at such an inappropriate time that it seemed completely ridiculous.

It had some use of weapons that made it intense and exciting.  Other parts that made it exciting were when Captain DuBois almost dispatched Alex and they left you hanging; they drew it out so you weren’t sure what happened and that made it really really intense, but you knew he was going to be okay because he’s the hero.

Was there anything you didn’t like about the film?

I thought that the middle circus was embarrassing; it made me not want to watch.

You mean when the circus fails in Rome?

Yes. It was such a big disaster. I couldn’t watch because the characters in it were some of the protagonists, and it was hard to make myself look at it because they did such a terrible job.

Why do you think that scene was necessary?

Because without it, they would not be able to perfect the show. You know it was an obstacle they had to move past, and they needed to create a longer story about getting back to New York City.

Anything else you want to add?

I thought the scene at the very end was great. They made the Afro circus into something big; they were all a part of it. Also, there were a few scenes where I thought there was going to be romance, but there wasn’t. That surprised me a little.

And the “no romance” was that a good thing?

Yes, it was mainly a good thing. Mostly, it surprised me because in PG films there is always some sort of romance, which is why it’s not just a “G” movie. [Madagascar 3] seems to have earned its rating mostly because of the violence, Capt. DuBois and all the shooting. I added that part because if someone was reading this thinking, “I wonder if this is appropriate for my six-year-old kid?” they might like to know that it’s because of the guns and not kissing.

I completely understand. That’s very useful. One other question: did you think it was weird that Capt. DuBois acted like a dog?

When she sniffed around and licked the ground, that was SOOO gross. It kinda made me want to barf, but it for sure made me want to look away.

Why do you think they made her act that way?

To show that she was the villain, of course.

Of course.